When God called me to serve in children’s ministry I never imagined some of the situations I would face. Over the years I’ve learned that kids bring a lot of baggage with them to church. The biggest danger for sexual abuse on church property is often one child molesting another. The danger for cruelty and emotional abuse is often a group of children bullying one of their own. We have not faced those issues, but we try to protect the children in our church. If your church is committed to reaching the un-reached you can be sure they will bring their mess with them.
Last Wednesday was a bad night. Several key volunteers were out sick and everyone was a little rusty from the Thanksgiving week off. At two minutes before our start time I was making my rounds, greeting the children and doing ministry. Then several children ran up to me and said there was trouble. I hurried down the hallway and found myself in the middle of a 4th grade fist-fight. The two girls had been at odds for weeks and now their conflict had come down to violence in the church bathroom.
My best teacher was on the scene and was struggling to gain control of the situation. Both girls were crying and shouting. After a few minutes to sort out the affair, I determined to send both girls home for the night. I had them call for a ride home and instructed them to wait in two separate areas under volunteer supervision. There was one problem – one of the girls refused to follow even these simple directions. She was belligerent and determined that she would not obey our request to sit quietly until her mother came.
Rather than escalate this power struggle, I left her to stand where she was and set one of our great volunteers to watch her. I was due to teach in the first worship rally or I would have supervised her myself. Our church is blessed with dedicated volunteers, many of whom have teach in the public schools. Their competence minimized the disruption from these events.
When the moms arrived (both girls are from un-churched families), I spent several minutes explaining the situation and our response. Then I made the hard decision. I asked the rebellious girl not to come back until January. Basically this is a one-month suspension from our program. Immediately she broke into tears, but shouted at me that she would not come back even then. I assured her mom that we want her to come, but that all children must follow teacher directions.
I’ve been thinking over these events for several days. This was a painful decision and I pray that God would somehow reach out to that little girl. However, I’m sure that it was the right thing for our program and ultimately for that child’s soul. We handled her with love and even in our discipline showed a large measure of grace.
What do you think? How would you have handled this situation if you were in my shoes? Have you ever expelled a child from church? Post a comment to join the conversation.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I think your decision was correct. Students must realize consequences for their actions, this is biblical! Speaking to the parents was key!!! And of course, the ultimate purpose of discipline is providing opportunity for their repentance, 1Cor5. I pray that for these circumstances.
I have not had to expell a child from church. However, while Youth & Children’s Ministry Program Coordinator for the Family Services site of a church organisation I did have to two girls that they were not to come back for a month and that they would also have to apologise for their behaviour.
For more than a month they tried hanging around the building during programing and heckled the kids but eventually cooled down.
Both threatened to never come back. One had her mother intervene hoping for special concessions.
One moved away before coming back but she came and hugged me and told me she loved me before leaving.
The other came back and her behaviour was excellent for a time but deteriorated again. That time I used a few shorter suspensions to give her time to make an attitude ajustment.
It’s horribly painful to do, but sometimes I think it’s the most loving thing we can do for them.
Tony,
It sounds to me like you and your staff handled it well. These are tough situations. I had a situation myself today with some of my teen volunteers. We had to fire three of them due to their choice to engage in behavior which they knew was against policy.
I think you did the right thing in informing the rebellious girl that she will have to sit out until January. The only thing I might suggest is to see if you can still have some connection to that family in their setting in the interim. If the parents are open to it, see if a couple of your trusted adult female volunteers or staff can visit her, or perhaps you and a female adult staff member. That way you maintain the connection.
Also, this is a great example of why it is good to have a handbook of guidelines for parents and staff. That way you can point them to the expectations. In this situation, you alone did not remove the girl. She removed herself by the choices she made. If her attitude changes, she can then have an opportunity to return.
Well done friend. These things can cause sleepless nights now, but in the years to come you will see the payoff as the kids grow up.
Blessings,
Glen Woods
Dave – thanks for the reminder about repentance, looking back I was mostly thinking about how to protect the other children from an ugly situation, definitely something to pray about
Leslie – thanks for sharing your story, God can definitely change hearts
Glen – good suggestion about maintaining contact, I can check with their huddle leaders, thanks for your encouragement
This discussion had brought up a question that I have had for many years.
You said that the one girl refused to stay where she was told. How did the volunteer make her stay without physically restraining her and putting herself in danger of abuse accusations?
It seems that the laws have become so restrictive that it is difficult to maintain order if a kid realizes that the adult’s hands are tied by laws.
How do you deal with that?
The girl basically walked around and stood against one wall why we waited for her parents. She was not restrained. We have some volunteers that have worked in mental health and know how to do acceptable restraints, but that would only be to protect other children.
These poor little girls. This is reprensible behavior on the part of the leaders. Church is God’s house, not theirs. I have never heard of anything so terrible to do in church to a pair of 9 year old girls. How about having next weeks lesson on loving your neighbor, forgiveness, and have both the girls participate in it. Your leaders and you need more training and more prayer.
@pamk: Thanks for sharing your opinion. I appreciate your interest in forgiveness and loving our neighbors. I am still really sad about that whole situation, but I stand by our decision. We can not allow children to attack one another under our care.
It was a tough situation, but we work very hard to make our church a safe place for children.
I do appreciate your comments and your prayers.
I think that was a brilliant way of handling the situation with that child, Praise God, i haven’t had to deal with a situation like that yet. Although this imformation will be something that i will most likely use in the futre.Thanks
Thanks, it worked out for the best and the girls became friends as the year went on. It’s never a good situation, but I stand with the safety first approach.
I agree that the safety of other children is important and the measures taken were necessary. I’m the Director in our Nursery and came close to having a toddler removed. The little girl was aggressive and tried several times of biting and it wasn’t just one Sunday that she tried this.
My utmost priority is making sure our children are safe. It took one volunteer to keep a watchful eye on the girl and with limited volunteers I couldn’t afford to have one assigned only to watch her.
Thankfully the girls behavior improved.
This too has been a concern and reality within our own children’s department and expelling a child from church has always weighed heavy on my heart knowing that church is the place that children with baggage need to be,in safe and in loving arms. But as you say we have a responsiblity of safety to all who come. I would like to offer a suggestion and an alertnative to “expelling” a child from church I have implemented in our own church and have success with dealing both with childern and their parents.
Instead of expelling a child from church for such offenses as hitting/fighting, cursing and ect. 1st talk to parents, then the child would have to sit out of all childrens activities for a 1 to 2 week period (we start off with one week and then extend it if behavior continues) Here is the suggestion – They are still allowed to come to church accompaned by their parent to attend adult Church service. If their parent sends them but does not come then the child will sit with a volunteer in Adult Church service. I understand that there are extreme cases and this may not work but so far it has worked for us and even deepened our relationship with our unchurch families. The kids know the rules and the consequence if they act up. I know we all do not want any child to ever feel that they can not come to church.. I hope that our experience will help others in handling
those trouble kids that need the love of Jesus so desperately. God bless