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When God called me to serve in children’s ministry I never imagined some of the situations I would face. Over the years I’ve learned that kids bring a lot of baggage with them to church. The biggest danger for sexual abuse on church property is often one child molesting another. The danger for cruelty and emotional abuse is often a group of children bullying one of their own. We have not faced those issues, but we try to protect the children in our church. If your church is committed to reaching the un-reached you can be sure they will bring their mess with them.
Last Wednesday was a bad night. Several key volunteers were out sick and everyone was a little rusty from the Thanksgiving week off. At two minutes before our start time I was making my rounds, greeting the children and doing ministry. Then several children ran up to me and said there was trouble. I hurried down the hallway and found myself in the middle of a 4th grade fist-fight. The two girls had been at odds for weeks and now their conflict had come down to violence in the church bathroom.
My best teacher was on the scene and was struggling to gain control of the situation. Both girls were crying and shouting. After a few minutes to sort out the affair, I determined to send both girls home for the night. I had them call for a ride home and instructed them to wait in two separate areas under volunteer supervision. There was one problem – one of the girls refused to follow even these simple directions. She was belligerent and determined that she would not obey our request to sit quietly until her mother came.
Rather than escalate this power struggle, I left her to stand where she was and set one of our great volunteers to watch her. I was due to teach in the first worship rally or I would have supervised her myself. Our church is blessed with dedicated volunteers, many of whom have teach in the public schools. Their competence minimized the disruption from these events.
When the moms arrived (both girls are from un-churched families), I spent several minutes explaining the situation and our response. Then I made the hard decision. I asked the rebellious girl not to come back until January. Basically this is a one-month suspension from our program. Immediately she broke into tears, but shouted at me that she would not come back even then. I assured her mom that we want her to come, but that all children must follow teacher directions.
I’ve been thinking over these events for several days. This was a painful decision and I pray that God would somehow reach out to that little girl. However, I’m sure that it was the right thing for our program and ultimately for that child’s soul. We handled her with love and even in our discipline showed a large measure of grace.
What do you think? How would you have handled this situation if you were in my shoes? Have you ever expelled a child from church? Post a comment to join the conversation.
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This is an issue that we have faced in our church’s after school program numerous times. And there is much disagreement among the volunteers as to how to handle it. 95% of the kids we are dealing with bring “baggage” with them on a daily basis. We have utilized a time-out system and a three-strikes-you-are-out for the day. But the feeling that they have been rejected is the hardest thing for us to deal with. We don’t want them to translate that into God rejecting them. I appreciate some of the comments here and will utilize them as needed. I hope some others respond also. I think we all need all the ideas and help that we can get, especially as it seems we are dealing with these kids more and more.
I think you probably did the best you could, at that moment, but here is a thought for the ‘next time’ (there is always a ‘next time’):
Ask the mother to bring her daughter in to see you the NEXT DAY, for a conference, after the child has had an opportunity to calm down. I think she might have perceived that request not to come back for a month as children do: a personal rejection, which of course, you did not mean to do at all.
Bringing her back the next day to get to know her and her mother might have been a better choice, but only the Good Lord knows that for sure, so don’t look back. Look forward.
And know that children perceive our discipline of them sometimes much more personally as a rejection, than we can possibly know or control.
Just some thoughts. And yes, having worked in inner-city schools for twenty years, I agree with what you did under those circumstances: just consider all of the possibilities of what you might do in future, as the Spirit leads you to understand.
God Bless You
This too has been a concern and reality within our own children’s department and expelling a child from church has always weighed heavy on my heart knowing that church is the place that children with baggage need to be,in safe and in loving arms. But as you say we have a responsiblity of safety to all who come. I would like to offer a suggestion and an alertnative to “expelling” a child from church I have implemented in our own church and have success with dealing both with childern and their parents.
Instead of expelling a child from church for such offenses as hitting/fighting, cursing and ect. 1st talk to parents, then the child would have to sit out of all childrens activities for a 1 to 2 week period (we start off with one week and then extend it if behavior continues) Here is the suggestion – They are still allowed to come to church accompaned by their parent to attend adult Church service. If their parent sends them but does not come then the child will sit with a volunteer in Adult Church service. I understand that there are extreme cases and this may not work but so far it has worked for us and even deepened our relationship with our unchurch families. The kids know the rules and the consequence if they act up. I know we all do not want any child to ever feel that they can not come to church.. I hope that our experience will help others in handling
those trouble kids that need the love of Jesus so desperately. God bless
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